May I introduce to you.....

...my future husband.

I was laughing so hard at work, but still trying to keep quiet as to not get funny looks. So as I snicker like the king size candy bar, and I may or may not have peed my pants-just a little, I envisioned a life full of laughing - A LOT - and peeing my pants - A LOT, humorous banter since we seem to have the same sense of humor, all while enjoying our humorous and clever comedian children from the backportch of our double wide.  GIDDY UP!
Please enjoy the sheer whit and geniusness.......

KSL CLASSIFIEDS

$75000

Fish Cat FC Cougar Pontoon row or kick fin boat - fishcat fishing boat

OK, let me start off by saying this Pontoon Boat is only available for purchase by the manliest of men (or women). My friend, if it was possible for a Pontoon Boat to sprout chest hair and a five o’clock shadow, this Pontoon Boat would look like Tom Selleck. It is just that manly!!!

It was never intended to float to the mall so you can pick up that adorable shirt at Abercrombie & Fitch that you had your eye on. It wasn’t meant to you to yoga class or Linens & Things. No, that’s what your Prius is for. If that’s the kind of water craft you’re looking for, then just do us all a favor and stop reading right now. I mean it. Just stop.

This Pontoon Boat was engineered by 3rd degree ninja super-warriors in the highest mountains of Japan to serve the needs of the man that cheats death on a daily basis. They didn’t even consider superfluous nancy boy amenities like Navigation(real men don’t get lost), heated leather seats (a real man doesn’t let anything warm his butt), or On Star (real men don’t even know what the hell On Star is).

No, this brute comes with the things us testosterone-fueled super action junkies need. It has a Minn Kota Endura that wields 46 lbs of thrust that will outrun any boat cops. It’s got special blood/gore resistant upholstery.

It even has a first-aid kit in the back (not Really). You know what the first aid kit has in it? A pint of whiskey, a stitch-your-own-wound kit and a hunk of leather to bite down on when you’re operating on yourself. The Minn Kota also has cruise control so if you’re being chased by Libyan terrorists, you’ll still be able to shoot your machine gun over your shoulder and drive at the same time. It’s saved my bacon more than once.

It has room for one… unfortunately the four hotties you picked up on the way to the gym to blast your pecs and hammer your glutes will have to wait on the bank . There’s a motor mount to hold your 50 caliber anti-Taliban, self cooling machine gun. I also just put in a new anchor and rope to replace the one that got shot out by The Man.

My price on this bad boy is an incredibly low $750.00, but I’ll entertain reasonable offers. And by reasonable, I mean don’t walk up and tell me you’ll give me $450 for it. That’s liable to earn you a Burmese-roundhouse-sphincter-kick with a follow up three fingered eye-jab. Would it hurt? Hell yeah. Let’s just say you won’t be the prettiest guy at the Coldplay concert anymore.

There’s only a couple of trips on this pontooned hellcat from Planet Kickass. Trust me; it will outlive you and the offspring that will carry your name. It will live on as a monument to your machismo.

Now, go look in the mirror and tell me what you see. If it’s a rugged, no holds barred, super brute he-man macho Chuck Norris stunt double, then contact me. I might be out hang-gliding or BASE jumping or just chilling with my ladies, but I’ll get back to you. And when I do, we’ll talk about a price over a nice glass of Schmidt while we listen to Johnny Cash.

To sweeten the deal a little, I’m throwing in this pair of MC Hammer pants for the man with rippling quads that can’t fit into regular pants. Yeah, you heard me. FREE MC Hammer pants. Rock on. 

Maybe you'll be getting a wedding announcement in the mail soon with a picture of us at the latest rock concert we just attended. And maybe that picture is the one where the lead singer of Def Leppard is signing my chest as my lover is high-fiving his buddies. 

ROCK ON!

I REALLY LIVED

I love this quote.  It says a lot of how I feel, think, and live as I view my role as a woman.

Thought I would share this with you.

"I don't want to drive up to the pearly gates in a shiny sports car, wearing beautifully, tailored clothes, my hair expertly coiffed, and with long, perfectly manicured fingernails. I want to drive up in a station wagon that has mud on the wheels from taking kids to scout camp. I want to be there with a smudge of peanut butter on my shirt from making sandwiches for a sick neighbors children. I want to be there with a little dirt under my fingernails from helping to weed someone's garden. I want to be there with children's sticky kisses on my cheeks and the tears of a friend on my shoulder. I want the Lord to know I was really here and that I really lived."   Marjorie Pay Hinckley

What do you live for?

Best purchase ever!

I got this little chair at Duck Beach to relax without having to lay on a sand covered towel. Now it has become the best place to take a break at lunch resulting in the best tan of 2011 and Melanoma Madness is only 2 weeks in.

And in the words of my dear friend Karen Carpenter, "WE'VE ONLY JUST BEGUN"

I made it

To the inner circle of the U2 concert and only had to wait 30 minutes.
I have the right people in my inner circle!

Nothing better....

than the time I was sick and spent the evening in bed watching movies with friends. Best way to utilize the not so often down time.

Another One Gone

A good friend of mine, that I may or may not have at one time dated, just got married.

As I was getting ready and driving to the Reception Dinner, 

the only thing going through my head was........

"da da daa, another one bites the dust."

I grab my place card and see that the seating is open to wherever you want. 

So I did what I do best...

I made a lap for Jesus before finalizing my seat of choice.

On the way, I spotted two attractive single men with open seats next to them.

I naturally went over and sat down, as charming as I could be.

Turned out that of all the tables with single men sitting at them, 

I chose to sit next to the only two gay men in the house....

"da da daa, another one bites the dust"

Luckily we got along very well, as I do with all gay men 

since all my inhibitions go out the window and I don't have to try to be so girly.

A good friend from San Francisco shows up and sits next to me and as we are catching up she begins to tell me all about how much fun my ex boyfriend and I were,
that we were so perfect for each other
and that he was so in love with me and my contagious personality.
"He just didn't know how to think straight." -"yea, did you hear he just got married"

"da da daa, another one bites the dust"

So the only thing I can gather from this is 

either the guys I am around will be gay or will soon get married.

Fellas, if you are at all looking for your life companion or eternal companion, 

you know where to find me.- I'm a whole lot of fun! :)

"HEY, I'm gonna get you too, another one bites the dust- OW!"

 

Da da daa, 

Uzi

Feaster!

I would just like to begin by saying how much I LOVE Easter.

Yes, for many spiritual reasons, obviously.

But I also love the celebration of new life, a new season, everything that comes with Spring!

INCLUDING BIKE RIDES!

That's right, Sophia is in my basket and we were lov'n it, having a good time. 

Saturday was on the top of my busiest days ever. Starting at 7:00 am and I was going non stop until 11:30 that night with about 50 things to do and places to be scheduled down by the hour.

I was in charge of the Easter Egg Hunt on Sunday so I decided to skip the candy filled eggs, since I don't really like them, and do something more my style, more fun, and memorable.

Confetti filled eggs and the one who breaks the gold filled egg wins the prize filled Easter Basket.

 

 

 

WINNERS!!

It was a great Easter, a great time, and of course another party well planned and executed.

Wedding Reveal

Here it is folks.

The wedding my sister and I had been planning the past 2 months.

The many weeknights and 8 hr Saturdays spent designing, cutting, gluing, painting, sewing, etc.

The numerous phone calls, orders, rush deliveries, and repeat trips to Home Depot and Joann's.

When all is said and done, and looking at the picture, it doesn't look like it would have taken us as much time as it did. But everything that has any color to it, we did.  

Table runners, table pieces (flowers), 5 banners, candy labels, boxes, "Throw Me" bags and confetti.  You name it, we designed it.

So here you go.

I hope you like it as much as the bride and groom did!

 

 

The Clucker

A little while back, at our family dinner, my sister and I were 

talking about how much we want to one day have bees. 

I mentioned that I may also want chickens.

About a week later I get a monthly magazine from Backyard Chickens with articles about raising chickens, building coops, and a full spread on items to purchase like 

incubators, food, and equipment to build your own coop.  

I thought "what the crap!?  Wait..... did I sign up for this somewhere? Huh, probably......laa dee dah"

Then a few days later I get a package in the mail.  

I was way excited because I was expecting this really cute sweater I got on ebay for a steal!  

I opened it up in the morning ready to wear it to work but to my surprise,

it was a black t-shirt that said

"Have you hugged your chicken today?"

"What the ____!  haa hah a haaaa"

Last night when I got home I found this on my bed:

and THIS my friend, is what it does.......

HELLO, HUBBA BUBBA EGG Laying Chicken!

These little surprises keep getting better and better!

My brother and his wife, who are secretly sending me these things, are cracking me up! 

Seriously, making my day every time!

haaa haa ha ha haaaaaaa!

Bizzzay

Holy crap has it really been that long since i've last posted?  So sorry to disappoint.....but are any of you REALLY that disappointed? I mean, I guess this is pretty typical of my posting routine but I should at least give you SOME expectations right?

Well I do have reasons for me not posting. I've been really busy.....with....... hold on, let me think.......ooh I got it.  I think this may deserve bullet points with pictures - YAY PICTURES

• I've kept you updated with Buck and TMB.  He is doing well, found his girl and all is well in Zion....or CA.  He sent me an email saying.."Uzi, thanks for coming out. If I haven't told you yet, my favorite date of all time is still Flying Trapeze.  I had so much fun with you and just want to thank you for coming out."  that email was followed by "the first email was too serious so I just want to add that you smell"
  What did I respond with?  "BUCK!  That weekend was PERFECT getting to spend time with you and Dan, like the good 'ol days.  I'm glad I got to blow your mind and show you a whole new world in the art of living it up!  Congratulations and I hope things are going well with you and that hottie tottie, I picked her from day one. If not, I knew she was a whore!"
  
• A good friend of mine asked if I would share my cancer story and experience with the Huntsman Cancer Institute and Miche Bag. Proceeds of their HOPE bags will go to cancer research and they wanted survivors and a saying to go on tags that will hang from the bags.
  
  
  
  
  So I went in for a photo shoot, and did a video on what it means to THRIVE. For me it's music, my guitar, singing, performing, anything that helps me express emotion and bring it out in others.
  I was trying to come up with some sayings for my tag, which would you pick?
• And this whole time I just thought I needed a suppository.
• Cancer?  I'd much rather it be gonorrhea!
• Cancer Sucks!

          Instead, this is what I ended up using. Seems more fitting for the cause.

          

• Did some CAD work for a friend needing some drawings to send to a manufacturer for a product they are going to start making.  I can't say what it is, but it will changes girls lives who flat iron their hair, and their fingers!
  
• I've been performing a lot between Acoustic Night, Solo's, recording with Young Sim (and music videos) and have been asked to be a member of the Feel Good Music Coalition. I Apologize will be ready to access on iTunes in the next day or so and hopefully we can call it a wrap on the video.
  
  
  Here was the conversation during this picture:
  Camera Man: K, look Gangsta
  Sim: Um, I'm wearing a cardigan?
  
• Buried Life:  I've added to my List of Things to Do Before I Die- That will be another post.
  
• I got into an accident and the first thing I yelled was "SAVE THE DONUTS!"  My door wouldn't open so I had to crawl out the passenger side every time I went somewhere. I would have Dukes of Hazards it but it was cold and snowing.  Later that day I was filmed for a documentary.  I had plenty stories to share about myself, but they really should have gotten a sweet shot of me trying to get in and out of my car.  It would have looked as awesome as that really awkward time I tried doing the Carmen Electra Workout (you know the one) and couldn't lift my leg over the back of the chair.  If only it was a little more like this.....what a feeling!
  
  
  
  
• My sister and I have become the wedding planners for a bride.  We have been extremely busy doing all the planning and design work for it.  Tomorrow is the big reveal and I can't WAIT to put it all together.  Stay tuned!

Until then, life has been AMAZING! 

Especially now that my coworker has screenshot part of my Journey video and 

posted it to our companies intranet on our HR page.  

As if this didn't say "DON'T MESS" I don't know what will.

Good thing he didn't get a front shot because that could be sexual harassment!

Have a GREAT weekend and go do something I would do!

Blue Hearts

I have a random collection of music.

RANDOM

As I was going through my itunes I found my Japanese music.

No not the traditional kind, this was the rock kind from when we were there.

And since my last post, I only see fit to share this with you today.

Blue Hearts - "Linda, Linda"

Yes, that's right....  The song is Linda Linda, but whoever translated this thinks it's Rinda Rinda!

Haaaa ha ha ha haaaa!!!

DOMO ARIGATO!

now who wants to go get some sushi?

Remember that one time.....

I dated a guy who was in a band and they toured around Japan?

 Remember when I joined them for 2 weeks?

GOOD TIMES my friends, goooood times!

Oh the places we traveled:

Tokyo

Chiba

Yokohama

Kyoto

Osaka

And I fell in love with every city and surrounding town that our feet and the subway would take us.

That was 5 years ago but if you ask me today, I will still let you in on the LONG list of all the things I love about Japan.

I'm saddened about the the state of the country, the loss, the damage due to the effects of the earthquake and tsunami and would like to just suggest a few sites if you feel inspired to help.

Japanese Red Cross

American Red Cross - Japan Earthquake and Pacific Tsunami

Doctors without Borders - Response to Japanese Earthquake and Tsunami

LDS Philanthropies - Emergency Response in Japan / Humanitarian Aid

Please help where you see fit, and let's pray Japan can get back to the way things use to be.

本当にありがとう