Have Mercy!

So now that the sappy SF stuff is out of the way it's time to venture on to my life in Utah and keep you all informed of what's going on.
I have a blind date next weekend, lets hope it's this guy because he is hilarious! If not, this is just something that made me laugh out loud several times.

Straight to you from LDSMingle via Logan, Utah.

"Some of my favorite things to do...

Dressing up in German folk clothes and yodeling to the tune of Baby Got Back, pretending I'm a wolf, biting cows on the backs of their heels and howling at them, Making animal sounds. My donkey sound is legendary. Don't believe me? Look up "Donkey Dan" on youtube.

My least favorite things to do...

Stepping on My Little Pony combs, having someone else think they are Superman when it's so obvious its me, Being constantly rejected by Not_a_Beeze_groupie

If I had $10 million...

I would become the primary stock holder in the M&M Mars corporation and force them to take that stupid snickers almond wrapper and burn it and fire the idiot that came up with that concept and call the candy bar the Mars bar like it used to be. **Update** These people must be stopped! They have now come out with King size Snickers Almond and Snickers Almond ice cream bars. These morons are probably patting themselves on the back saying how smart they are to switch the wrapper.

I mean what's next are they going to change the name of Milky Way to Snickers Smoooooth or the 3 Musketeers to Snickers Fluffy? Oh i got it the Twix will now be called the Snickers Cookie and the Dove bar will be known as Snickers Extra Smooth. How about Skittles are they gonna start calling those Snickers Fruity Pebbles... wait part of that name is taken... Bah! It's all marketing and advertising. They never marketed the Mars bar. That tasty delicious nougat with flowing carmel and almonds *drool*. I can't boycott this product because im addicted so it is up to all of you to be strong where I am weak!

My perfect day would be...

My perfect day would be the realization of a dream. That dream would be to bring the word "Goober" back in the conscience of mainstream America. Think about it when someone calls you a goober doesnt it make you giggle a little? It's certainly not a deragatory term like dork, dweeb, nerd, lamo, punk or a variety of others. It's a fun silly term that needs to be recognized for its greatness. Did you know one of the nicknames for peanuts is a goober? Such a wonderful tasty thing like a peanut has such a fun, silly, nickname.

We need funding for an endeavor this large. A friend of mine suggested we involve big tabacco. They have money to burn and let's face it they need some major damage control in the PR department. We decided that RJ Reynolds who also owns Nabisco would be the best candidate. RJR Nabisco has a product called the Nutter Butter which is a delicious peanut shaped cookie with peanut butter inside.

I envision a name change from Nutter Butter to Goober and a grand marketing campaign that pushes the Goober to the front of the Nabisco product line. As you well know from my anger about the Mars bar I am a champion of the weaker marketed products of the snack food industry. Think about it how many times have you seen a Nutter Butter commercial? Now conversely how many Oreo, Chip's Ahoy, and Newton commercials?? Yeah that's what I thought. See how easy it would be to make the Goober the flagship product of Nabisco? I bet with half the money they spend on the Oreo product line they would surpass it with the Goober. Who could resist such a wonderful cookie with peanut butter inside and such a cute goofy name? Certainly not I! Well that would be my perfect day I sure hope it happens *sigh*

My greatest opportunity for improvement is...

Convincing women that just because it appears I have Mormon plague aka the big D in the marital status doesn't mean it is contagious. I have discovered, there is an ancient Hindu chant that helps ward off the plague, and makes it safe to date me. The phrase roughly translates into English Ooombaba Oombaba I like my sushi hot! I don't quite understand why sushi is included in that since sushi is a japanese food and japanese are usually buddhist. But who am I to argue with ancient chants? Wow I have mentioned two different eastern religious sects. Hey do you like to talk about sects as much as me? I luuuuv to talk about sects. I usually start off with a little Judaism then move to Catholicism then to spice it up I mix in a little Baptist and Anglican for the main course we move into a subject near and dear to all of us Mormonism oh yeah ;).... Dang I always lose my train of thought when I talk about sects going back to the chant now. You have to be standing on your head with your booootay facing to the east to do it right. I have been successful thus far no one I have dated has received divorce plague from me! So fear not all you hotties out there it's safe to get some Beezen Squeezen ;)

One final thing I'd like to mention...

Mention? let's break that word down shall we? Me-nti-on. Well I think me is obvious because its all about ME. Now nti is an acronym for Naughty Tickler International. I have no clue what that means. on is like what I'm gonna be getting it when I'm remarried. Oh yes good news 4 out of 5 Dentists think I am only moderately insane!! The fifth dentist is a hack!!! he will be getting a visit from cousin Guido and his cement shoes. Did everyone keep up?"

Now that is Uzelicious!