Leaving my heart

For the past few months, this has been my motto:

"IF YOU'RE GOING THROUGH HELL, KEEP GOING..."

Winston Churchhill

I am a person that makes decisions based on feelings. Sure I can write a list of pros and cons but ultimately I go with my gut.
I came to the east bay about 6 years ago with a friend just passing through on our way to Hawaii. As I was driving on the highway I looked over and saw San Francisco.


Instantly in my head I thought, "huh, i'll be back." I didn't know why I had that thought seeming how I had never thought about visiting San Francisco, I had a great job in Utah and was dating someone pretty seriously. But for some reason I had the feeling you have when you say good bye to a friend knowing that it won't be the last time you will see them.
Well, 2 years later I found myself with the chance to move to San Francisco. I had no reason to leave my family, friends, boyfriend, or job other than to finish school in a city where I didn't know anyone or my way around. Why would anyone in their right mind move themselves to an unknown city, live in the tenderloin, and try to survive on their own is just crazy but for some reason it felt right. I had to be in San Francisco. I made my decision and packed up within 2 weeks. I felt I needed to go and so instead of sitting on that decision for a while, I decided to just up and leave and ride the wave. When I got here, it was pure hell. I mean horrible! Everyday I thought about going back but then instantly I kept feeling like I needed to be here. And I survived.

Last week I was playing "tourist" for the day with some good friends. We were going around to all the hot spots in San Francisco taking pictures.






And the whole day for some reason in my head I kept thinking "this is your final goodbye"
Why was I thinking this? I love this city. I wasn't going anywhere.
But then a few days later it dawned on me, I WASN'T GOING ANYWHERE.
My world was coming down around me and I didn't know why.
With all I was battling in my life, something needed to change. I had to start making things happen for me. I wasn't happy and I hated that.

Well, like before, within 2 weeks or so I have made a decision and it's time to ride.
I am moving to Utah.
Sure this is really hard because I am going to miss the city I love, the friends I love, and all the good times I have had with everyone here but nothing is permanent. This is just a start of a new chapter in my life and I can't wait to see what is going to happen!
Of course i'm scared to death, terrified of the new challenges that lie ahead, sad about all I am loosing, and not wanting to have to start over but somehow, it just feels right. With as much as I was fighting the idea before, it feels right.

So now I have a new motto:

peace.
it does not mean to be in a place
where there is no noise, trouble
or hard work. it means to be in
the midst of those things and still
be calm in your heart.

Uzi